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swirlingdisillusionment
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Name: Melanie
Country: United States
State: South Carolina
Metro: Greenville
Birthday: 5/9/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: I like music. I'm learning how to play the drums right now and whatnot. I try to stay fairly busy-most of the time i'm working, out with friends, or doing something for school, like being in it. ummm, i like movies, reading, writing, and film-type stuff: i like doing film editing. i'm open minded and not quick to judge.
Expertise: i suppose being me. i don't know, i';m not really an expert at anything; i have things i'm good at. maybe some music, some books. i'm pretty good at breathing...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  rainshine897
Member Since:
1/11/2005
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| So, I haven't been on this thing for about 2 years, and I've decided I definitely need a vent session...
I wonder if anyone I know actually still reads this? Hmmm. Thoughts to ponder all ready.
"It is better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all...."
Exactly.
Lets see. I'm in Charleston now. Doing the whole school thing and whatnot. Going fairly well, actually. Enjoying myself overall.
But sometimes I feel utterly and completely alone. I know I'm not: I have a good circle of friends and a very cool boyfriend (who happens to live over 200 miles away. damn him), but I'm am completely and utterly on my own. I have no familial support.
I know I have a family. A family is what you make it. But I like at the relationships my friends have with their families, especially parents, and I get a little queasy. Their parents try to give them the world on a silver platter, and where am I left to? I'm left find my own silver platter. I am inexplicably, and completely on my own in every sense of the word.
Short on rent? Too bad.
Need advice on something? School maybe? Or relationships? Or...
Too bad. Suck it up.
I know my family loves me, but I blame them for so much. Like maybe they're why I can't have a normal relationship: because I've been on my own financially since I was 16/17 maybe? Or because I its the simply fact that I haven't been able to really count on anyone besides myself since my parents got divorced....
I've forgotten how to trust. I'm a very accepting person, but I don't trust people. At all. Most of the time I don't even trust myself. It's very unnerving to be surrounded by loved ones and feel so very alone at the exact same time.
I'm losing hope in humanity by the minute.
I wish I knew what was headed my way so it would be easier to prepare for. Catastrophes strike, and it doesn't even bother me anymore. I just stop. Take a deep breath and think of the easiest and less painful solution....less painful for others anyway.
It's been awhile since I've been this pessimistic, but I simply can't help it. I feel like a background character in my own life. I'm going through the motions well enough, but have stopped having emotional attachments to what I am experiencing.
I'm tired. I feel old. I feel like I've lived a hundred lifetimes...and I don't like it. I'm still technically quite young, but age is just a number. I can take care of myself, and go to school at the same time.
Being a hermit is sounding better and better by the moment, but I knew I couldn't actually do it. When I'm with people I want to be alone. When I'm alone, I want to be with people.
It's a never ending cycle of self-doubt and retribution...
I forgot how good it felt to just write and vent. Perhaps I should do this more often....
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| i am most definetly an idiot. yep. | | |
| I got all of my hair chopped off....about 10 inches, and gave it to locks of love. I'm actually decently happy about how it works..and that can't be bad. It's straight now too...so whatever works...
Drama. Always drama. But i'm not going to worry about it. Not this time...just be there for whoever needs me and that tis all. No side taking, no sirrey...
I finished the epic of melanie and craig, so now i can finally completely move on. I might even post it on here, though it would take 2 years to read. If someone asks for it, i will, but otherwise, what's the point, ya know?
i'm hyper. but sick. how does that work? | | |
| To top off everything...the car is know broken. The transmission decided it was going to go ape on us: grand total? $1500.
There goes all of my money... | | |
| HE has a new girlfrind. I'm just now finding out that 2 weeks after HE broke my heart, HE has a new fucking girlfriend. Is that how long it takes to get over me? Two weeks? I'm i just that boring and ugly and forgettable? And to think, i fucked HIM the night before. Six months. HE told me that HE loved me. HE told me that HE was IN love with me. I gave HIM everything.....everything and HE just moved on like it was nothing.
Wow, don't i feel like an idiot. Why can't i move on? Why am i the one crying myself to sleep? And now i've just turned into a fucking whore to try to fill this void. But it's not working. It's not working. What do i do now? Seriously, what do i do?
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